Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
