Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
