I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Dicks are not precious.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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