i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize