One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
