WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
