i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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