I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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