That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
