is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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