I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
