he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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