What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
