you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Randomize
