I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
