Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
