You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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