so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i dont even know how to be here
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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