Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize