I look better un-naked...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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