someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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