I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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