I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
