Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
