I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
