So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
