my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
