He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
