Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
