i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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