areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
