WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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