can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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