That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
