counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
