Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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