Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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