What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
babies were throwing up all over the place
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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