stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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