I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
