Have you finally orgasmed yet?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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