I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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