Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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