I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
