I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
