I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
