Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Why are your pants in the freezer?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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