I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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