Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
