I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
