True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
