i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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