He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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