Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
